////Me with my punched-out eyes and dried blood in big black crusty stains on my pants, I'm saying HELLO to everybody at work. HELLO! Look at me. HELLO! I am so ZEN. This is BLOOD. This is NOTHING. Hello. Everything is nothing, and it's so cool to be ENLIGHTENED. Like Me. Sigh. ________________ ////The owner of this journal has no comment. No one told me about her.

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2 samurai swords start a fight
[27 Jul 2009|07:57pm]
I've gotten so ahead of myself that I've stopped writing.

Still, there's nothing I can say that hasn't been said too many times before: I hate my job, I love my house, and the husband is pretty alright too.

Typical life right?

I still go walking at night by myself, all around the now quieter neighborhood. I still get lost in a pair of headphones and prefer it to most conversations.

I fear that marriage makes you lose your sense of identity. I'm afraid of becoming a lump of person, indistinguishable from the other. Contrary from how most people probably see it, I really like who I am and want to stay that way.

In other news, I've taken to gardening.

start a fight
[07 Apr 2009|05:31pm]
I hate birthdays. I always have these ridiculous expectations about them but they always fall short. Is it too much to ask to be treated like a god for just one day?

24 feels strange. It's one of those ages that, when you were younger, you couldn't even picture yourself at. When I was younger, I thought I'd have a lot more figured out than I do.

At the same time, I'm glad that there are so many things I haven't figured out. I'd hate for the mystery to be gone out of life. I like to think that there's still secret sides of myself that haven't surfaced.

I'll be getting my tattoo in a week and a half. It's something I've thought about for a long time and decided that at 24 I was finally mature enough to make the decision to get. I keep getting comments about what a bad decision it is because of the permanence of the whole thing, but for me it's comforting to know that I'll be getting something that will stay with me always.

It's been a long time since I've felt like writing, maybe because I only seem to write when I'm depressed. I haven't exactly been happy lately either, though.

start a fight
[11 Feb 2009|07:42pm]
You always wonder if someone is looking out for you.

Apparently someone is.

start a fight
[01 Feb 2009|06:42pm]
This is not how I pictured my life.

I hate office politics, yet here I am playing them. Dancing around like a puppet for upper management so they can see my "dedication".

I always promised myself that I wouldn't be fake. I promised myself I'd always be genuine, I'd always be myself, even if it cost me a promotion or two.

I hate this. I hate what I've become. This job was supposed to be temporary, but fear has made me stay for...almost a year and a half now.

I hate this state. I hate the friends I've made that can only manage to be friends part time, or only think of me when they're bored.

I hate that nothing in my life is real right now. I feel like I'm floating from day to day, treading water to keep my head up, with no sign of change anywhere in sight.

I miss the simpler days, even if they came with smaller paychecks. At least back then I had a friend to talk to when I needed it.

start a fight
[12 Jan 2009|10:36pm]
The plan had been to show up out of the blue and surprise you even though I said I wasn't coming to that area.

So much for that.

I'm nobody's backup.

start a fight
[12 Jan 2009|04:12pm]
Today I painted my nails baby blue in protest of winter.

I can't wait for that first spring bike ride, with lunch in my backpack and no destination in mind.

I feel like I'm rotting away in all this gray muck.

This weekend I'll be hunting the sunshine. Wish me luck.

start a fight
[11 Jan 2009|08:51pm]
I'll paint you a picture of my apartment complex.

Each floor comes with two balconies: one that's lovely, comes with a table and chairs and gorgeous view of the city.

The other is slats of metal and a giant hole where the fire escape ladder begins. A nice view of the giant smoke stack behind our building.

Problem is, they lock the door to the lovely balcony during winter.

And there i am, huddled back against the building, shivering and staring into the window of a neighbor watching television.

And I'm wondering...why am I letting this get to me?

I wanted to be the manager for so long, but now that I am...

This job makes me feel like I'm losing my identity.

Constantly under scrutiny, and my team won't listen to me because I'm so much younger than they are.

I've realized that I hate this company. I hate the company and I hate the people and it's taking me so far away from where I WANT to be in life but it's such a wonderful company...

Ugh. My sense of self is gone.

2 samurai swords start a fight
[06 Jan 2009|11:28pm]
Ah, the decline.

The old familiar sting.

My darling storm cloud, hello.

I wish I could live in this state forever.

I'm happiest when I'm depressed.

I like being the person in the center of a crowded booth staring at nothing in particular and silently gloating that I'm not mixed up in this crazy drama.

I love to be alone, lost in ancient earbuds, quietly head-bobbing and enjoying the solace.

I prefer the company of my cat to almost anyone in the world.


Dear, I miss you. But you're so close.

8 samurai swords start a fight
Progress! [04 Jan 2009|09:21pm]
I feel like I'm making headway on my apartment looking nice.

I've also decided to document progress.

Look-see?Collapse )

1 samurai sword start a fight
Soon as we leave this hospital I know we're going to leave this town [03 Jan 2009|03:11pm]
It feels so good to brush my teeth.

I haven't been home since Wednesday but I'm not sure where I've been instead. Not to say that I can't remember, just that it's all running together.

We had an ice storm mixed with a snow storm that made me glad I wasn't driving. Sloshing through the muck with my magic boots with people I don't think I've even met before in tow. When did I become so social?

Today I finally made it all the way back. It's frigid but my window is still wide open and I'm too ecstatic about blue sky and fresh air to close it.

Whiskey is disgusting but it helped me say goodbye to one of the hardest of my 23 years. To whomever kept putting cigarettes and shots in front of me, thank you. Somehow I walked out of there with a feathered hat and a 19 dollar bar tab. That whiskey didn't stay with me long, but I felt like I was also expelling the difficulty of 2008.

I think I'll dedicate this year to being as driven as I was 5 years ago. Back when I was too naive to know how much the world can hurt you, and so easily. This year I'm back to plunging ahead heart first and forgetting how jaded the past has made me.

This year I'm going to be more honest and less mysterious. More open and less afraid. More willing and less apprehensive.

I long for bike rides and capris. I can't wait for this winter to end.

5 samurai swords start a fight
[23 Dec 2008|10:53pm]
How is anyone else supposed to believe in me when I don't believe in myself?

He's the only one that thinks I can do it, and I'm pretty sure it's not enough.

I feel as if my entire life has been leading up to this, but now that it's here, I can't handle it.

I'm destined to fall on my ass.

I can't do this.

start a fight
[16 Dec 2008|08:53am]
It's always shocking to see peoples true intentions. They're never what you expect.

Forgive me, dear, it's just that I felt I should test your patience a little bit, because of past events. I just didn't want you to come out here for no reason.

And I'm sure you can figure out how badly you've failed.

It's amazing how little it takes for you to start slinging accusations at me.

But hey, I'm done this time. No more feeling bad for being how I am.

Enjoy your freedom.

start a fight
[15 Dec 2008|06:18pm]
You have no idea do you?

Cigarette curls that match my breath.

That's the goal at least.

I can't even have an advent calendar without eating all of the chocolate out of it at the same time.

Are you picking up what I'm putting down yet?

My point is that I'm inconsistent. From lonely to cheerful to frustrated to content in single bound.

And that's just life before breakfast.

I can't take people relying on me. I hate it when people ask me too many questions. If you try to keep tabs on me, I'll purposely stop telling you about my agenda.

But all this crazy doesn't change my basic feelings for people. I'm still your friend, even if you don't hear from me too often.

1 samurai sword start a fight
[11 Dec 2008|05:46pm]
It blows me away that 2008 is almost over.

I did so much catching up this year that I finally feel like I'm right where I started.

I know that doesn't sound like a good thing, but it is.

The biggest difference between now and a year ago is that I"m happy.

That's right, happy.

Or at the least, content.

I don't think the year could've ended better, unless.....

Well, you'll come around in time, dear.

Until then I'm content with my discoveries of short hair, new camera lenses and fantastic new music.

Next year is dedicated to moving forward.

Onward and upward.

Cheers darlin'

6 samurai swords start a fight
[07 Dec 2008|09:58pm]
WinterCollapse )

1 samurai sword start a fight
[28 Nov 2008|08:11am]
You were the only thing keeping me here, so I guess I'm free to leave now.

How stupid am I for thinking that you'd ever come through for me on anything. You'd think by now that I'd know better than to trust you with even the simplest of things.

And yes, I meant every word I said when I threw your picture frame across the room with that stupid picture of us smiling and seeming happy.

You were the worst friend I've ever had. Good riddance to bad garbage.

start a fight
[25 Nov 2008|10:30pm]
How silly I am to be so afraid to let you go.

I should've known that if I let you fly away, you'd come back to me.

start a fight
[12 Nov 2008|09:50pm]
How stupid am I to have sat by the phone?

2 samurai swords start a fight
[09 Nov 2008|06:21am]

The amount of people that showed up to rally for their fellow human beings touched my heart. I found myself proud to be a resident of the state of Utah for once. I was surrounded by so many kind people that smiled at me with hope that I almost cried in the streets of downtown.

The former mayor, Rocky Anderson, had so many kind words for the thousands of people packed into a tiny urban park. I could see people beaming, hugging each other as we left the park and marched around the city block, chanting for the rights that these people very much deserve.

Please please please let this be the start of the change this world needs.

1 samurai sword start a fight
[06 Nov 2008|11:22am]
It was a bittersweet victory for me. Finally a chance for democrats to stand up for change, but yet we still can't seem to live in a world where people are loved and accepted and afforded the very same freedoms regardless of their personal life.

I'm sad today. Apparently "love thy neighbor" is only applicable if your neighbor is exactly like you.

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